This is a very very early build of my game and am hoping for some feedback for my writing etc.
UPDATE 0.1.2: Thanks to feedback, I chaged the text from past to present tense and the viewpoint entirely 1st Person. Also added a couple new scenes including a "Viewpoint" bonus of someones change. If you want to see more of these bonus pages of seeing the persons viewpoint of the changes please tell me.
UPDATE 0.1.1: Removed personal customisation (exlcuding name) for the fact the coding and story elements were becoming too difficult to keep a consistent and coherent story, fixed some spelling mistakes, extended certain scenes.
You become lost one day walking to work and find yourself at an empty tech store besides its owner. He offers you a piece of technology that will allow you to change anyone around you excluding yourself.
Jackson - Your Supervisor
Clara - Your girlfriend who you've been with for 4 years.
Rebecca - Work colleague who has a crush on you.
No need for one as of yet, the game is quite linear in its early stages.
Since you asked for feedback on writing, my main feedback would be to just correct some stylistic things. Spelling is good, which is a start. Decide whether you want to use first person or second person. Also, decide whether you'd like to use past or present tense. Right now you're using a mix of those things, which makes it a bit difficult to read in my opinion.
For example, here's a quote from the game. "The blue screen appears and is still on your body from last night. Underneath the model of my body was a warning."
The first sentence is present tense in second person and the second sentence is past tense in first person. This happens throughout the game.
Overall a very interesting start, but not enough story to really sustain itself yet. I'll look forward to updates.
Very good start. I would reccomend making a discussion thread if you plan to continue development.
For a concept/demo, it is good. When you start really developing and fleshing it out, make sure you use more descriptions. Also, just some advice based on what I have seen in 'failed'/abandoned games, don't cater to your players. Flesh out what you want first, and THEN go back and make additions for more content IF YOU WANT TO. For instance, there are many paths that you may or may not want to use, but your players may want you to put their kink first. Next, grammar is excellent, I don't remember if I found any errors, and I searched for errors. So, details and descriptions, do what you want first and only after you are happy take requests from players-if you are willing to make the changes-, and keep up the excellent grammar. Good luck.