The Manor

Author: SLGames
Version: 0.0.1
Last Updated: 2018-02-22 19:51:21


Review by sissymaid_louise
Version reviewed: 0.0.1 on 2018-09-15 07:14:03

It's a good start and has potential if you keep working away at it,. Looking forward to the next instalment. 


Review by JoeW
Version reviewed: 0.0.1 on 2018-02-25 22:34:10

I agree with exprmntl about paragraphs and dialogue. This advice does not apply to you along but to many people on here and can be applied across the board to all the games here. 

The example was very good for exchange between people. But that doesn't mean you can't mix physical actions with it. Just read any good sci fi author and borrow their technique. A simple example is

Jill quickly stomps toward you. She must be mad about the prank of dipping the end of her ponytail in the ink well. 

"How dare you", slapping your face hard.

Reeling from the slap. " Wait  it ..."

"Don't lie" Pivoting on one leg, her skirt brushes your thigh. Before you can say another word she is across the playground, leaving you with a red imprint of her hand.

It is dialogue and sometime the maze that makes theses games here worthwhile playing. The story line can be good but it is the dialogue that makes the game interesting. Expressing the emotions of the character is important too. The games here are more like books than action movies.

 This I hope is constructive advice to you and most people here, especially those with Patreon pages.

 

 Ps.  I hate auto correct


Review by rubberdolltami
Version reviewed: 0.0.1 on 2018-02-24 06:07:36

Really good start. I am a little biased as I always enjoy the premise of forced submission.

 

Looking forward to seeing how this progresses.


Review by pingguo
Version reviewed: 0.0.1 on 2018-02-23 20:40:40

It was neat and clean, if not a little bit of a wall of text. Not a bad start at all.

There are however so many ways to present the follow up contents that I really do not know where this is going. It could be a game, with choices and statistic. It could be an AIF with limited choices of action moving the character to a few inevitable endings, or it could be just a story requiring a lot of click-me-to-continue.

There is an interesting point. The story is over 350kB as shown during the download. There are no images shown in the story, at all. The content I saw probably cost about 100k of sugarcube bytes and 20k of content bytes. Where is the rest of that 200kB I have little idea. *wink*


Review by exprmntle
Version reviewed: 0.0.1 on 2018-02-23 08:43:27

Nice start but I have a couple of recommendations. 

As with every other project on here, a quick proofread would probably eliminate the very few grammatical and punctuation errors that you have.  Your writing is much better than average so please don't be discouraged by this.

Also, a point about paragraphs:  More text in a paragraph does not equal more story!  Think about newspaper writing:  Short, action oriented paragraphs.  Think about good genre writing: A paragraph or two to establish a scene, then... short, action oriented paragraphs.  Give each action its own showcase. 

Also, always start a NEW paragraph when you start a new person talking.  Dialog gets its own paragraph unless the speaker or the listener takes an important action DURING the speech.  Vicki Tern, the fictionmania author, is the queen of dialog.  Sometimes, she tells a whole story with just dialog and no descriptions of setting or action at all.  She incorporates all the action into the dialog, as, for example, in this quick section from her story "Pills" (2016).  The first speaker is the newly feminized man and the second speaker is the woman who is dominating and cuckolding him.

"But honey! Allison! You say you went to see Dr. Mullins? Is something wrong? Why haven't you told me?"

"Oh, don't look so worried, love! No, nothing's wrong. Everything's fine. Marvelous, in fact! Couldn't be better!"

"Then why see a doctor? And on a week day during business hours? Honey, if you took time off from work to see her it has to be serious! Time off? For months now you've been absolutely, utterly absorbed by this downtown complex project. It gets you to the office early and keeps you there late, and brings you there most weekends too. I know you love the challenge, and that other people depend on your doing it right, and all, but if you don't mind my saying, sometimes it does get to be a bit much. I mean, even our fifth anniversary two weeks ago didn't bring you home in time for us to go out and celebrate!"

"Oh, honey, I intended to, but things came up, the way they do. And we did celebrate finally. We found ways, you must recall. I loved it. I even managed to get you up twice in a row, despite those pills you've been on to help you look ... well, more the way a girl should look. Though no complaint, you really do look cute now! I adore making love to someone who's so sassy and provocative!"

I hope this helps!


Review by Doombug
Version reviewed: 0.0.1 on 2018-02-23 08:25:22

Nice to see a game with a submissive side not nearly enough of them, I really enjoyed what was here


Review by Dracornis
Version reviewed: 0.0.1 on 2018-02-23 04:40:23

Looks good so far

i would love images at this :)

 

It makes the experience better in my opinion if you have pictures of the bondages and such when being trained


Review by dapper
Version reviewed: 0.0.1 on 2018-02-22 23:48:28

Super good start, shows great potential

Hopefully you add some images i think it adds a lo


Review by anonacctrandom
Version reviewed: 0.0.1 on 2018-02-22 20:27:05

This game is off to a terrific start! Good premise and interesting progression so far. Can't wait for an update!

Making more decisions and having past decisions affect the story (beyond the next page) would be great.


Review by Gangrel
Version reviewed: 0.0.1 on 2018-02-22 20:20:03

Not bad for a demo.  Of course, there is more time to proof and edit to start so the typos will be by eventually.

 

The writer clearly has a direction.  If you have an eventual goal as well, this could lead to a long and well pathed game.  Good or bad, I do want to see more.

 

One suggestion, since you capture the character name to start, also include a check so that name can't be used again later.  Perhaps even locking out the names of NPCs so it doesn't seem like people are talking to themselves will help with the flow of the story.