I just made a game testing my writing really seeing if people want more and such. I have a big plan for the game, and I hope to update it once a week with a lot more content! Please submit comments I need to know what people think, suggestions, critics and the like.
The game is going to be developed around the butterfly effect, meaning everything you choose will change the story. I mean it will change it in dramatic ways. Once you pick a choice it will not go into another branchng story path.
The charcters at the start will have limited personality. You choose what they are like for now. Later on I will have stronger willed, weak willed people to start off with for a more corrupting time.
The next edit will change Alice's choices to be third person, my mistake on that one.
Added a discussion thread.
Added a secondary path
The next update after this should envolve a full edit and revision of the game. Clean up spelling, errors weird typo problems and just stuff that doesn't make much sense. It will also hopefully add, some full sexy scenes at least to Alice.
Having played through what is available of the game so far and all of its story/option paths, I did like what I saw but as commented it does show as beginner writing work. Was this planned writing or done on the fly as you built the game? I could not honestly tell.
So: keep working on this. Write up some notes, a story path plan, some stuff about the two avatars and non-player characters so they've got some background to them to help you while you are writing the story. Keep writing and even get involved in the chat for some testers to take a look; I'm sure people will be glad to help. Start a discussion thread in the forum too, as that can be a greater source for feedback discussion than these review could ever be.
Going charging into the big project is not a bad idea to me as it can let you play and toy with ideas as you go. So this then becomes your first project where you can make mistakes and learn from them. Not everyone makes their "Magnum Opus" on their first try after all.
The style of your writing is okay, but I noticed some spelling errors and grammar errors around the place as if you were rushing. Don't: take your time and your work will be the better for it. There was some amusing things that I read so far but as a starting submission sample, there wasn't enough for me to really get into understanding my avatar (no matter which one I took) other than the first description at that selection choice. No doubt more will come as both story pathways are further updated in the future releases.
The descriptions of the scenes were okay. I knew where I was, what was going on and where my choices could lead to. I saw it as if you were writing from the perspective of the player/avatar, so we'll need to see the future releases again to understand better how this is working.
This game needs work obviously, but I am keen to see what is next.
P.S. Oh and please don't use 4shared for hosting the game as some people don't want their computers malware/spyware/adware/virus infected and still others (such as myself) can't get to it from their country of origin.
Please dont use Mega link some people cannot access :)
First advice keep writing. You got the basics covered and you are on the right path to.. something. Style is basic for the most part, but it seems you are entertaining an idea based on scenarios. That's a good start.
I would advise from starting such a big project and go smaller first. Too many branchs that would surely be copy.paste - in my experience - leads the players to avoid and go for the main route or what they think is the main route. Which right now is the only playable character
If you want to build characters let them flow, try to think how they would think. Give personality to a character and avoid the giving them phrases such as:
Hi there, nice to see you.. yada yada (If the character is timid that's totally fine) that could be something like: Yoh! Sup' going / Hey I didn't see you before around here / Ouh pleased to meet you!
add stimulation to the character adding actions such as: *waves hands* / *giggle* / *smirk* / *nods* that makes the text flow beter rather than writing the action.
Avoid the ol' wall o text if possible. And make sure each character lines can be spotted on the go rather than thinking who's talking now, in the wall o text people tend to go to the last sentence and avoid the text.
Also, also, also you are writing the story from the third point of view, but the options are for the first person view which is weird.
So either write from a narrator point of view - reading a story -
Or from the point of view of the player - This is happening to me -
There is not so much to talk about as the story doesn't progress far to make a better opinion of it.
Also please add a discussion thread :)