You and your friend discover a website that promises to let you meet and have sex with your dream girl. Unfortunately, the technology seems to have some quirks and limitations. In the first chapter, you find yourself transformed into the body of your best friend's "Dream Girl".
The game is written largely as a choose your own adventure. My last game was heavily simulation based, but I found it difficult to incorporate a proper story into the game. This game is the polar opposite. It is, for the most part, a series of story arcs without randomness or serious game mechanics.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. If you have suggestions, let me know in the forum. Please let me know if you find any story passages where I messed up my links or character color tags.
You and your best friend go on a quest to find your dream girls.
I must admit, I really like what is here so far. Most of what I'd suggest to the author is adding details to some descriptions, and adding movement within dialog to give more personality to the characters. When a page is well written, it really works. When it's just lines of alternating colored text of people talking, it gets a little stale to read.
Additionally, unless there's an intention to add more variation in choices, I'd recommend combining some pages where there's only a few sentences followed by a link to the next page. Because so many games on this website end up being linear stories, it can take away from the number of choices that are there to keep worrying the reader that actually they have no impact on the curren things happening. Either flesh out those pages and add variations/alternate paths, or shrink those multiple, short, pathless-pages into a single one, I'd say.
The story and setup seems really good, and I'm down for it. I hope to see it expanded. Though I'm wondering why you'd have to bring your own USB Stick from home full of gigabytes of compiled data to a computer place with super computers that could probably do everything on site while at the same time having the main character confused that so much data was on their stick. Was it not as large until it was compiled? If it's 55GB on a 64GB stick, where did the other girl fit? It just seems like an unnessisary complication unless your intention is for that detail to come up much later...
Lastly, on the notes of variations, like I said... I think the story could do with a few more alternate scenes. I like how the main character was drunk so they didn't realize they had changed, but I'll be honest, I was kind of hoping for an option of a vicarious reaction of seeing Brook put on the necklace when the main character brings it up the next day and turing into his dream girl. I realize that adds complication, but I thought i'd be an interesting wrinkle in a story that—while not linear—is just barely not linear.
If nothing else, Brook becoming the submissive girl could—either on purpose or by accident—have him agree to things he wouldn't have otherwise. I suggest that because it might be fun, and different, for the character this first happens to in the story to not be the one you're playing as. Since there seems to be no indication that the main character would want such a thing to happen to them, maybe they'd instead want it to happen to someone else?
Anyway, I like what's here so far as I said. Just for the first few pages, I'd give it a 7.5/10. Thought it was Good. Good, not Great. I hope that the finished product reflects the promise if this opening because I think what's here works well so far.
P.S.: Typo, it's epigenetic.
So far this is highly enjoyable, well written, and with a great deal of variety! I hope it is just as fun to work on, since Id love for you to carry on with this, and avoid burning out on it!
Very nice! I think pictures would really help though.
It's really nice for what is there. The writing is great and the story you've made so far is interesting, I really want to see what comes next. Keep up the good work.
Dmn, this is a very well written story so far. Chapter 1 looks complete and you can take different ways. I like that.
The story is very interesting and i'm looking forward where this will go. Would be nice to see how the choices affect you overall.
Still have no idea what will happen in the future but if it continues this way it will be amazing.
Looking forward to what will happen with mom and if there will be other girls. Only men is okay but not always my first choice.